1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
