Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
