Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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