Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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