pedialite and red bull = repair kit
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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