this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize