hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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