you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
