I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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