He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
