So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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