yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
