So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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