Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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