That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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