I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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