everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
