I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
