we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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