So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
