Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
