So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
FUCK WHALES
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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