I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize