see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
