to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
