apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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