I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
