My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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