Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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