Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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