i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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