Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
How external is "for external use only"?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
