I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
