How'd it feel making her break her religion?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
