So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
did i walk over a car last night?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
