Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
