Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
