people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
