just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
