Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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