what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
