i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
