I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
