oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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