I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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