So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
