see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
