Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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