I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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