I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
